The White Lotus: The Finale

Loved it? Hated it? Overwhelmed, underwhelmed?

I’m on the side of satisfied. I’m satisfied with who died, because it felt right. The season overall ended right, somehow teetering on both the expected and the unexpected.

Anyways, spoilers ahead!

That was big.

• The dead: Tanya and the gays. We knew one group wouldn’t leave this situation alive, whether that was Tanya and Portia *or* Quentin and the gays. There was too much at stake; lives and money and a more straightforward prenup than some White Lotus theorists expected—most of the theories I saw said that Tanya was being recorded cheating on Greg in the palazzo and that’d void her prenup. But no, ’twas death for all! (Except Portia.)
• The killer: Tanya!!! What a moment for Jennifer Coolidge as an actress. My favorite scene I’ve ever seen her in, certainly. She played every emotion just right: fear, rage, sadness, panic, force. It was a spectacular moment, her firing randomly-yet-with-purpose at every body who stood in her way on that yacht. And yet—she did not live. She died in a very Tanya-esque way, by simply falling ungracefully off the side of the yacht and drowning.

Oh, the couples…

• Cam v. Ethan in the water—whew. Would one of them have actually drowned if they hadn’t been broken up by a fellow sunbather? Should one of them have drowned? The quickest critique I’ve seen so far is that one of the four from the couples shouldn’t have survived the week. Also, Cam played it off so creepily—both in the water afterward and then at dinner.
• Give Meghann Fahy the Emmy already. Those thirty seconds—when she absorbs Ethan’s theory of Cam’s infidelity, then decides what to do—is some of the most incredible acting I’ve seen. I held my breath as we watching her contemplate her move…
• Which was to cheat on Cam, with Ethan, against Harper, in a secret little area down the beach. Such a trippy, dreamy sequence. Beautiful television.
• And apparently, this is what fixes Ethan and his marriage. Was Harper and Ethan’s sex scene the hottest of the season? I’ll let you answer that one.

The DiGrasso boys, played again and unchanging

• Lucia, my sweet darling angel girl, played Albie. She got him real good. Like 50,000 Euro good. And you know what—he kinda deserved it! He had bad vibes from day one, I’m telling you. And now, Lucia and Mia and even their fake pimp / real friend Alessio will live happily ever after.
• Let’s be real, the Di Grasso boys showed no growth. If anything, Albie took a step back by pushing aside his morals (telling his mom that his dad has changed) to save “broken bird” Lucia. This was proven by both the older Di Grasso men as well, as Dominic made that deal with Albie and Bert continues to make misogynistic remarks. It’s truly sealed when all three men turn and stare at a beautiful Italian woman in the airport line.
• Portia… I have very little sympathy. (1) Why did she stay the night in the hotel with Jack when she was already so suspicious? (2) Why didn’t she run away when she had her phone? Like, why’d she let Jack find her talking to Tanya? (3) Why did she even get in the car with Jack? (4) There were so many occasions where she could’ve backed out. She wasn’t even trapped on a yacht most of the time like Tanya. At least she might get her happy ending with Albie via their airport run-in. In that Lizzie McGuire-ass fit.
• Small note: Jack was so well-casted and I feel like Leo Woodall’s about to be a star. The whole season, really, had a perfect selection of actors. I wonder if any characters will carry over into season 3, like Jennifer Coolidge’s Tanya did from season 1 to 2.

Checking into the hotel…

• Valentina kept taking Ls, but her head is high. Even though Mia rejected her the morning after, Mia was really sweet about it and offered to still ~have fun~ together and check out gay bars. Which is why…
• Mia got to keep her job! You can tell how much Valentina has changed over the course of the week: the bitterness has subsided and she’s willing to tell Guiseppe to f*ck off because she appreciates Mia at the piano. She doesn’t even care now about Isabella and Rocco!

Some great dialogue (that I can remember):

• Albie and Portia checking in on each other’s hookups: “He’s deranged.” “She played me.”
• Tanya, asking Quentin as he lay dying: “Is Greg having an affair?”
• Tanya (again) to Portia on the phone: “He was kinda… f*cking his uncle.” … “I didn’t have the heart to tell you earlier.”
• Portia, trying to figure out why Jack’s not online: “Not even Instagram?”
• Harper to Cam over breakfast: “You’re an idiot.”
• Mia to Guiseppe when he shows up at the hotel: “You’re alive?”

Red herring?

• I really thought Mia having the master key from Valentina would come into play. Apparently not!

Overall thoughts

Pretty damn satisfying! Only things I wanted that I didn’t get: actual confirmation that Daphne and Ethan hooked up and Greg’s return. Most of Greg’s plan seemed to have been confirmed and worked, anyways—except he’ll never be reunited with his long-lost lover Quintin.

In the end, this is a show about miserable people. They were all further broken down after a week in The White Lotus. Neither couple—Harper and Ethan, Daphne and Cameron—is truly happy, nor will they ever be. Portia’s depleted. Albie’s played. Bert’s succumbing to age. Dominic’s unchanged. Tanya’s dead.

The one exception: Lucia and Mia. My girlies. Live long and enjoy.

Thanks for watching with me this season! I hope you’ve enjoyed my recaps and reviews.

Want more? I write a column called Content Consumed every weekday about—you guessed it—the content I’m consuming (like The White Lotus!). Read it here.